He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
