What a fucking waste of an outfit
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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