Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
