She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
