I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize