already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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