Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
