WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I FOUND THE LEGS
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
