mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
