Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
