No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You need Xanax blowdarts
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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