there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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