I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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