Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
