I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
