New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
