i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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