Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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