I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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