ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
