is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize