Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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