just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
