i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
