My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
