i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
