It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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