bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
