Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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