I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
