ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
