Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
