I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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