He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
