There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
