just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you win again, gameday.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
