Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
