dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
