Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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