you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
