why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
