I never want to see another naked old woman again.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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