I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
