my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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