i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
