make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
