Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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