I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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