Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
