Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
