I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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