My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
All I want is dick and wine.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
