yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
