I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I wish there were birth control emojis
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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