You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
