you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
