you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
