one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
