False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
